Ep# 11 Unsubscribing from Expectations

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Welcome to the Breaking Up with Burnout podcast. I am your host, Tiffany Leder, clinical social worker and burnout coach with 14 years of experience in the mental health field and life experience with burnout. I'd like to say I'm in burnout recovery. This podcast is for you who are ready to reclaim your life, cancel hustle culture and put your wellbeing first and discover a joy filled life. This is your moment to find support, be encouraged, laugh a little.

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and take a little nugget of wisdom that leads you out of burnout and into joy. I have chosen to not edit this podcast because I want to remove the barrier between you and I so that we can have an authentic connection. So you might hear me say ums, trip over my words, have awkward pauses, but it is for you to experience the real me and not an edited version so that we can authentically have a connection.

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Take a deep breath, lean in, and open your heart and your mind to what you may need.

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Hey everybody, welcome back to the podcast. And today's episode is going to be about unsubscribing from expectations. So I'm really excited to bring this to you. Full transparency, I put a poll on my Instagram of that said, should I do a podcast on expectations? And actually the majority was no. And the reason I decided to do it anyways was because most of the people who said no were people who don't follow me.

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or they are not followers that are my ideal clients. But the person that said yes, she is somebody that I felt like would get a lot from what I am going to share about today. But also I know that, and I trust that the people, you, the listener that's hearing this, will gain some wisdom from this.

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and take it and apply it to your life. So I just trust and believe that this is a topic that has been in my notes. It's something I work with my clients with on a long time and this is an ongoing conversation I have with people outside in the real world. So let's dive in. I love the phrase number one unsubscribing from expectations.

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friend and colleague of mine Christina he said this and ever since she said that I'm like yeah we're gonna unsubscribe from expectations and that is a way that we break up with burnout so y'all know I'm always gonna tie the title in but this is a way of breaking up with burnout and at times I believe this is one of the foundational ways you can start

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breaking up with burnout because it's tied directly with our thoughts. It's tied directly to how we show up in the world and things that we believe is true. And this is the foundational work that I've done with myself, that I've done with clients, that I've researched and can bring, that can bring so much freedom and healing.

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in your life when you make that shift. Recently, I listened to a podcast with Bob Goff, which if you all love Bob Goff, if you don't know who he is, you need to go and research him and find him right now. He does have a podcast and no, this is not an ad, but I just love what he does. Actually, his book that his first book that came out is called Love Does. And he just lives his life with whimsy.

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And that's what he says and fun and just doesn't take himself too seriously. And some days I'm like, I just want to live like Bob Goff and I hope to subscribe to that. I want to subscribe to that and then subscribe to these expectations. So, and I think that's part of his underlying message. And that's probably why I resonate with him so much because he is subscribing to his own

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message of who he is truly designed to be and how he shows up in the world. And he's running with that and going for it. And like one of the things, okay, one more thing about him and then I'm going to jump off of this topic and we'll go into expectations. But he has an office on Tom Sawyer's Island at Disneyland. Like how fun is that? That's just a sneak peek into his character if you don't know who he is.

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If you're interested in seeing who Bob Goff is, I will pop his information below. Uh, just because I think everybody needs an encounter with Bob Goff. Okay. Expectations. Let's talk about and deep dive into this. Like what is expectations? So I looked up the definition of it in the dictionary and let me read it to you. Okay. The dictionary says.

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expectations is a strong belief or plural beliefs that something will happen or be the case in the future or it's a belief that someone will and should achieve something. So we often hold beliefs thoughts and opinions that

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How am I supposed to say this? How, it's how we think we need to show up in the world. That's like the only word I can think of right now. But it's like how we behave, how we think, how we achieve, how we do, how we work, how we live our life. There are belief systems around how it should be, how we should live our life, and how we should quote achieve something.

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Um, and we end up adopting these beliefs, opinions, and thoughts for ourselves as truth. And they're not bad in and of themselves, and I'll get to that in a minute, but there's a fine line of wise counsel and having wisdom and taking in thoughts and opinions and beliefs other people have as wisdom.

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for ourselves, but there's also a line of does it match up with who I am and who I'm created to be and how I'm supposed to show up in the world. Something I'm personally working on is making decisions on things that feel in alignment with me, which I feel like alignment is a buzzword, but it's true.

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in alignment with who I was created to be and how I navigate what that looks like. Because this has happened in my own life and I know this has happened if you're listening here this has happened in your life you have probably tried to live in a way work in a way be just in life in a way that other people have wanted you to be and it has been

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like lack of a better phrase, soul sucking. It has been completely soul sucking because it's not you. Have you ever been in a situation where somebody's like, well, you should do this and you're like working and you're doing something and you're like, this is sucking the life out of me. Also, hear what I'm not saying. We do have responsibilities that we have to do in life that feel soul sucking that we just have to do. But I'm talking about

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This is just not right. This is not my lane. This is not my gifting. This is not. It just doesn't feel right within me to be doing this thing. Or like I don't feel energized. I don't feel inspired. I don't feel another buzz phrase lit up by this thing. And it drains you more than it helps you.

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or feels like it drains you more than it lights you up. I can think of someone I know that she was in a job where she did stuff that she could do and she was really good at what she did, but it wasn't right. It was soul sucking for her. I can just remember hearing her talk about it and she...

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and like just her demeanor was just like going down and like just like I could just feel her shrinking just from the conversation because it was that draining and exhausting for her and there was no piece of it where she can land because some stuff we do can be draining and exhausting but you can land at a place of peace of knowing what you're doing and what you're bringing to the world is exactly what you're supposed to be doing but this

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with this friend, this training didn't go anywhere. It didn't land in a place of peace, but it landed in a place of discontentment. So that's what I'm talking about when it comes to expectations and how we live by it. So I'm like jumping ahead of what I have on my list to talk about, but let's talk about where do expectations come from. They come from

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our own mind. So they're developed in our mind based off of outside influences like society, cultural, family systems, friends, influencers, authors, really anyone outside of us. And those things we take in and we cultivate it in our own minds as truth. This is what I'm supposed to be. This is how I'm supposed to live.

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This is what's happening. Right now, there's several like expectations I can tell you that are quote societal and culturally normal in the US that I come across a lot. There's actually several of them but there's a few I'd like to share that I come across. Okay. I'm going to share a couple of these and see.

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love to see if you resonate with this. The first thing is an expectation that I should have kids by now. I am in my late 30s. I have officially crossed the threshold that medically speaking when I get pregnant with kids, I will have a geriatric pregnancy. What an awful word. What an awful word that is.

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But like, okay, that is like a medical field expectations, societal expectations coming from living in the Midwest and the South, all of my life. You're quote, expected to have kids and get married young. I can't tell you how many times people asked me before I was married, like, when are you gonna get married? When are you gonna settle down?

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When are you going to have kids? I was like, oh my gosh. The timing will be when it is. It's God's timing. I fully believe that. The second expectation I come across is housing. You should be settled in the house and have the kids and have the dogs and have the picket fence life. People think that we need to stop doing RV life or that was like a...

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a fun thing for a year or so. And then when I tell people we've been doing this for three years they're like, oh my gosh, are you ready to settle down and have a house and stuff? And I have found myself sometimes saying like, yeah, eventually the long term goal is to quote settle down. But like, what does that even mean? Our life and our marriage.

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Has our lifestyle I would say is unconventional and that we have we've lived the tiny house RV lifestyle For several years now, and we absolutely love it Will it change one day? Maybe we have the ability to change our minds, but right now we love it and Honestly with the way the housing crisis and I can like go down that vein so if you want to know information about the housing crisis and all that kind of stuff like

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I could talk about that for a while. That's part of the reason, like, we're so thankful and feel blessed because of living tiny and being, giving us the ability to travel. Okay. The third thing that I come against as far as expectations is that I am in my late 30s. I am approaching 40.

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And when you're in this time of life, you should really be into your career and settled into that and like not coasting, but coasting to promotion to promotion to retirement. And I am two and a half years in career switching and into my business. And actually I just listened, not listened. I just read recently.

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the top most powerful women that Forbes magazine put out, they're in their 50s. And so like the, whatever I was reading was like encouraging you like, don't give up if you're younger, keep going. Some people aren't successful, quote unquote successful until their 50s or whatever, which was encouraging. But there's still this expectation that you should be settled into some kind of career at this point in time.

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And it's just not the way it is. Am I working in my business? Yeah. Do I love it? Yeah. Will things change? Maybe. And I love that I can have that permission to make those changes and that freedom to change. So with all of these expectations that other people outside of me tend to place on me, whether it's well-meaning.

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or like with the kids in the geriatric pregnancy, it's a medical terminology, which honestly I think needs to change, but.

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You know, I could subscribe to these expectations and I could be really freaked out right now because yes, my husband and I want to have kids but it's not something right now. We don't have the house, the yard, the kids, the dogs, the picket fence life. Nothing. We could we could feel like we're homeless.

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if that was like the expectation that thought is true and like really freaked out and stressed out because I'm not settled into a career that looks conventional or whatever traditional but the reality is I'm not subscribing to these expectations and I know the timing in my life is what it needs to be and it doesn't have to be

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any of these things that I just talked about. Like it doesn't have to be any of these. My life doesn't have to look like any of these things. And there's so much freedom when you step outside of these expectations. And when you know that you can live a life of the way you were designed and created to be that lights you up. Again, another buzzword, but it's true. My life lights me up. I love being outside.

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Being outside is a healing practice for me and RV life cultivates that outside living. And you want to live in a way that's true to who you are. And we are all unique and we have a set of DNA that responds to the world and our spirit responds to the world. And what lights you up is not going to light me up.

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And maybe we have similar things that light us up. So if we do like, let's totally connect cause I'm all about that. But there are gonna be some things that let's do jam. For example, I have a best friend of mine that we also are business besties and we do work with each other. And we were voxing on Voxer the other day.

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And I was telling her something that's like, this does not light me up. This is something in my business I just have to do that I haven't figured out how to like this thing, but I'm gonna do it anyways, because I know I need to do it right now. And she was like, oh, but I love this. This is my jam. So she's like, the thing that is exhausting you, it lights me up. And I'm like, yes, this is why we're talking right now. Because what lights you up is going to help me.

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with the thing that exhausts me. So, yeah, we're all gonna have different things that bring us joy, settle us into a sense of peace and contentment, and that changes with who you are because of our unique DNA imprint. So, continuing this conversation, what happens when we follow these expectations?

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I could like go ahead and pop out a couple kids, although I'd be late in doing it quote unquote. I could settle down in the house and all the things I could settle into. I don't know. I couldn't even change the career thing right now. But like what happens if I decided to follow all of those expectations? It wouldn't be based on my true self. And like I said earlier about my friend that was in her job.

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It would be sooo sucking. It- and it has been for me. And I'm sure you've been in situations and you've been places and spaces that has like, oh, it's just like exhausting to show up. You don't even want to be there. This just wasn't a right fit. But sometimes we feel stuck in those situations because we think that's what we have to do. And that's what causes burnout.

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when there's a disconnect between how we're living our lives and how we were created to be in our true selves.

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Living a life based off of your true self and who you're created to be brings an aliveness that Remind I'm like it reminds me of the pure joy that children have I think about my nieces and When they are just like belly laughing With me about something or I think of the kids that I worked with

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in Africa. I got to volunteer and go on missions. If you're in the Christian world, mission trips is a big thing and serving other people. But I got to go and volunteer to work with kids in Togo, West Africa. And the joy on their faces for the littlest things is incredible. I can't even... They're living their best lives or living their favorite lives.

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just like getting in a new coloring book or something really small. And I'm like, that's what it means to truly feel alive is to have this vitality, this joy, this, um, I'm trying to, I am trying to just resonate this joy to you right now, um, because it makes you alive. And actually, scientifically, let me put my nerd hat on and my science hat on.

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scientifically like joy changes your brain. It changes the DNA expression in your body just like gratitude. Gratitude and joy kind of run in the same vein as far as emotions and actually can heal your body. It actually can tell your body to function in a certain way and actually my friend like just dropping people on this but my friend Jedha which I'll drop her information in the

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She just put out research of like our sisters, like we have two different systems in our bodies and one system speaks to the digestive system and it tells it what to do. And when you're stressed and all this other stuff and things aren't going on, things don't work properly in your body. And that's the same thing with joy and gratitude. Joy and gratitude help support your body. It's not just a cliche thing people say, it's actually science.

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Um, and it's spiritual going down that vein of spirituality and of faith and belief in God. Um, at least that's my belief in, um, joy and gratitude is beyond the physical. Um, yes, it, it, it's science as far as it works in our body and it heals our body, but it fills us up from a soul level.

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from the depths of our soul. And there's an aliveness that happens in your life when you are living your true self, when you are not living by expectations of other people, but you live as you're created to be. So I can hear you right now saying, well Tiffany, but what does it look like to live that way? Or I have no idea.

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I have no idea what that even means to live fully alive and how do I even find it in my own life or how do I discover it in my own life. I will say it's not something to be found but it's something to be explored. And only you can figure out what that is. And so what I love to do with my clients is that I explore with them. We do a little exploration on...

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what brings you joy, what fulfills you, what lights you up. So I have several things that I do with my clients where we kind of figure that, like I guide them along. I kind of give them some parameters of some things and I guide them along and we experiment together of what brings fulfillment in their life, what brings peace in their life, what doesn't bring peace.

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What is more stressful? What are things that you're living with? Um that you just thought you had to live with versus giving yourself permission to let those things go And let the things that bring joy in your life come to the forefront Let the things light you up be Unapologetically and non-negotiable with those different things And i'll let you in on a little secret

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that I do share with my clients is that it's more simple than you think. And you, you have, you have the tool and the discernment within you to find those different things. I'm sorry, not find it, but explore it. I don't, I'm trying to like switch the word, find explore with fine, but explore those different things. So it goes back. It goes also back to trusting yourself, trusting like

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Do I trust myself to know what brings me joy and what fills me up? And if you don't holler at me because I want to walk with you so, you know that you can trust yourself in exploring these different things and knowing and you'll not you'll just know what it is. For example, I will give you specific examples from my life right now.

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Like what is bringing me joy? What is exciting me? If you are on my Instagram and our Facebook, you would know I am so excited about my portable sauna. I've been researching like sauna blankets and different things. I'm like, and also I've been working through the expectation and the mindset of like, oh, those are for like bougie people.

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And I'm like, wait a second. It's actually like the truth is it's actually a tool that I can put in my toolbox that helps my overall well-being. And honestly, I had Christmas money that I had not decided on what I was going to spend it on. And I'm like, what do I really like? What do I really want? And nowadays it's like, yeah.

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I'm over the days of like just spending it on clothes or whatever. I can remember as a kid, like I want to get this jacket or I want to get this clothes or I want to get this type of sunglasses or purse or whatever. And I'm like, no, I'm fully an adult now. And I like adult things like things that are going to be for my health and well-being, which kids should be that way too. But you know what I mean? Like I fully know.

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I want to invest in things and purchase things that are for my well-being, but also that light me up. Like I'm on this journey too. I'm always figuring out and exploring what lights me up because in different seasons, here's another nugget that I share with clients, in different seasons, what lights you up may change.

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Now, you might have some things that stay the same. Like for right now, the sauna was not my life until recently. And so it is the one thing that like brings me so much joy right now. Another thing, if you know me and have known me for a long time, and I just said about being outside, but the sunshine being in the sun is one of my favorite things.

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Now I have to, you know, now that I am older and I need to protect my skin, um, you know, I'm not in it as often as I used to be, uh, when I was younger, but I have the windows open. I make sure the light comes in. Like I'm, I'm seeing the sunshine stream in to the RV right now. And it just like, it just lights my soul up. Like I'm just so excited.

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Like even the pitch of my voice is going up because I'm just like, oh, I'm so thankful and grateful. It's a sunny day today with sunshine, warmer days, just like fill my soul. When I can get bare feet in the grass, which is a grounding technique, but when I can get bare feet in the grass, my, I'm just filled up. My entire being like from the inner parts of me is filled up.

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And then all the things that feel stressful and tension that I'm holding in my body, it just all releases within less than a minute. I mean I try to stay in the grass for the like 20, 15, 20 minutes if I can. But even if I just have a moment to stand in the grass barefoot and just breathe in a warmer day, oh it's just like the best thing ever.

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Something else that lights me up is that first sip of coffee or tea. Whatever. If it's good coffee. Oh man. Again, lights me up just as much as sunshine. Uh, I love drinking matcha. It's the same thing. I have a good matcha that tastes really good. Oh my goodness. Watch out world. Like that's how I feel. It's just like, Oh, it's just soul satisfying.

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Okay, I can't help but share, but one more thing that I'm going to share with you that is like lighting me up and just like makes me excited is these calm strips. So I'm a sensory person. I love a good fluffy pillow. I love something soft and cozy, anything cozy, comfortable, like give it to me. But I also like different texture things. And so

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these calm strips I had heard about seeing them probably on social media. And then my aunt put one in my Christmas gift for me. Excuse me. And I was like, Oh my gosh, I've been thinking about getting these. And so I've put one on my computer and it's one that it's like an infinity symbol and it's textured and it says breathe on it and even has a pattern of like breathe, hold, breathe, hold. So it has like,

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how you can trace it and to help remind you to breathe. And I love it so much because it's a physical, because it's texture, it's a physical sensory reminder of me to breathe. Like it's that cue. Sometimes we just need a cue for habits to help us and it's a great cue for that. I think of like cues, I did...

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musical theater for a little while in high school. I was in choir and theater and all that stuff in high school. So I think of like cueing like the next thing or whatever. But it's a cue to breathe deeper and to feel calmer. So I love these calm strips. So again, any of the stuff that I've talked about and people I talked about today, I will make sure I will put in the show notes. But like

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These are the jam. I just love the experience of this. It's sensory, it's textured, all the things. Okay, I could talk about it for days, but I almost forgot about something I wanted to share with you that is my favorite thing in my business. I almost forgot. Like I actually finished the episode and I had uploaded it, formatted it, and I was like, wait, I have to bring, I have to come back and edit it and put this in because the one thing...

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I mean, I love a lot of things about my business, but the thing that is lighting me up and filling my soul right now is this podcast. I love bringing it to you. I love talking with you. I love sharing it. Like it is so life-giving to me. So because of that, I'll probably be doing more podcasting in the future. So look out for that. Anyways, on that note.

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So I hope today I was able to give you some great examples of what living by expectations look like versus living fully alive and how we can unsubscribe from expectations. And the way that how we do that to recap is exploring what is fully alive, but also exploring

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What are those expectations that I hold on to? What are those things that, what are those thoughts, really, not things, but what are the thoughts and beliefs and opinions that I'm holding on to that actually don't serve me well? Again, another buzz phrase, but it's true. Like, what are those things that I live my life by that I just, it's not me, it's not how I'm created, it's just something I thought I had to do?

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and was expected to do, or somebody told me it would be a good thing to do.

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Get curious with that and see what happens. I will be attaching a freebie to the show notes to help you have some questions. So some of the questions I might have asked in this episode or what I just asked right now, I will put it in a freebie for you so you can do some reflection and journaling on getting curious. Yeah. Thank you so much for being here.

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Thank you so much for listening to this episode. Truly from the bottom of my heart and my soul, I am so grateful that you are listening to this episode. And I will see you next time on Breaking Up with Brennaut Podcast.

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that a great episode? I just loved doing that for you and recording that for you and I just love having this conversation. I just love having this conversation so I would love to further this conversation. You can email me tiffany at tiffanylater.net. You can DM me on Instagram or Facebook message me.

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and let's chat, let's continue this conversation.

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Also, I'd be so grateful if you can like, subscribe, rate, review so this podcast can get into other people's hands. It's my heart and my mission in life that I can encourage as many people as I can. And so one of the ways that I do that is through this podcast and through other people like you, my listeners, who can share this podcast out. So I'd be ever so grateful if you shared this out.

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and give it some acknowledgement and love. Okay, see you next time.